Listen to but don't control your emotions

Imagine that life is like a Christmas table

Listen to but don't control your emotions

Imagine that life is like a Christmas table - a buffet filled with emotions as different dishes. But on this table are not only delicacies such as joy and interest, the two positive emotions that psychologist Silvan Tomkins (1911-1991) talks about. No, an overwhelming proportion of the dishes are things that are perhaps less appetising: shame, anger, fear and disgust. It's a bit like being served surströmming when you were really craving a juicy piece of ham. So what do you do when the majority of emotions on the buffet seem a little too negative for your taste?

Most emotions negative

Tomkins, an American psychologist, developed a theory about our basic emotions after studying people's facial expressions. He identified nine affects that underlie our emotional reactions: two positive (pleasure and interest), one neutral (surprise) and a whopping six negative (shame, anger, fear, sadness, disgust and distaste). He argued that these affects are biologically programmed into us, just as we are programmed to walk before we even have experience of walking. No matter how we try to avoid them, we are designed to feel all these affects.

When Tomkins first presented his theory, he was laughed at. At the time, psychoanalysis, led by Freud, was very dominant. Tomkins' biologistic view of emotions did not fit into the prevailing paradigm. He was so disheartened by this that he did not publish his ideas until 30 years later. But sometimes a journey begins in shame and rejection, and ends in recognition. Today, his theories on affect are fundamental to cognitive science.

How to be happy

But if most of the emotions we experience are negative, how do we manage to be happy? The secret lies not in repressing or ignoring those sour feelings, but in accepting them. Just like a Christmas dinner - just because there are dishes you don't like, it doesn't mean you can't find something to enjoy. It is the balance that makes the experience. We need the negative emotions to appreciate the positive ones. Anger can signal that something is wrong and needs to change. Shame can help us adapt socially. Fear keeps us safe. These emotions are all part of our survival strategy, just like the deer that warn their herd of danger. By understanding this, we can stop fighting the emotions and instead learn to live with them.

Excessive control is harmful

It is when we try to control negative emotions that we risk harming ourselves. If we switch them off, we not only dampen the positive emotions. We risk exhaustion syndrome and mental illness. Life is not about being happy all the time. As Kierkegaard said, ‘You understand life backwards, but you must live it forwards.’ We learn from our mistakes. Even the best of us make big mistakes from time to time. Jesus said: ‘Neither do I condemn you. Go, and sin no more!’ to the adulteress.’ But we know that mistakes will happen again - and that's okay. The important thing is that we get up and do the best we can, time after time. It is by failing that we can eventually succeed.

‘I have missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. 26 times I have been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that's why I succeed.’ (Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player of all time).

Fear of mistakes at the root of failure

The fear of failure often prevents us from taking risks and seizing opportunities. Many of us have lost chances because we did not dare to risk failure. Fear can cause us to overwork a paper and submit it late or miss out on parties and adventures.

Many worry about what could go wrong. In the end, we will all experience physical and mental suffering, and ultimately death. We live in a global production process where we all hurt or kill other people no matter how nice we are. If we all stay at home to avoid doing this, we will all die of starvation. Therefore, it is better to embrace life with its inevitable failures.

A balance between activity and rest

Being active and useful is a foundation for happiness. But to do this well and happily, we need a good night’s rest. We fall asleep more easily if we do not take falling asleep too seriously. Even when I have slept well at night, I can get tired and depressed during the day. Then a powernap of 30 minutes makes mee think oh what a wonderful world and get productive again. Physical activity a few times a week and a walk everyday is very good for happiness. Being lazy now and then can increase cognitive function and a relaxed attitude can increase sexual satisfaction. Rest is not just about being inactive; it's about nourishing your body, mind, and soul in diverse ways. Social rest means finding energizing connections, sensory rest offers peace from overstimulation, playful rest brings joy, and altruistic rest rejuvenates through kindness.

Deviations source of joy or insights

When people admit their mistakes, they often become a source of laughter or insight. Isn't this actually a kind of success? Worrying about perfection, like at a dinner party where you stress over details, can ruin the whole experience. Sometimes a simple bag of chips with the right attitude is better than a stiff event.

Mistakes and new inventions

Failures lead to new ideas and innovations. To foster innovation and productivity, we need environments that are equal, relaxed, friendly and playful. It is also important to understand that we cannot work hard all the time. The brain needs time to recover, reflect and play. In a work environment that allows for failure and where people are not penalised for taking risks, there is room for the big breakthroughs. Companies and societies that want to see innovation and good productivity must therefore have systems that allow for missteps, good working conditions and that give people the chance to try again and again. It is precisely in this dynamic of failing and trying again that the greatest inventions come. What did not work yesterday may be the solution tomorrow.

Kindness and the struggle for equality fruitful

Kindness brings us friends and love. It is the grounds for cooperation and survival. Therefore it increases our happiness. Since the 1970s, when politicians embraced unequality as a means to increase the general wealth, happiness has been declining in the most unequal places. The book that said this was written in 2005. Since then unequality has been rising a lot more. In equal societies, everybody from the rich to the poor have better health, longer lives, less weight issues and less social och psycological problems. A book that reinterprets the hierarchy of needs presented by the psychologist Maslow says that if we fight for the good of all, this fight can make us hapier even as individuals. And the welfare state rose out of the struggles of the grassroots against the oppression of the rich in the 19th and 20th centuries.

A few seconds of happiness now and then

So, the next time shame or anger creeps up on you, think of it as a piece of sour cream on the Christmas table - not what you wanted, but part of the whole. And in between the tough moments, there are always those little moments of pleasure and interest - perhaps a few seconds of happiness that brighten the rest of the day.

Embrace your failures, learn from them, and try again - that's the key to success and feeling good!

Good enough is actually the best.